Want to give Hermione a run for her money in the know-it-all field? Simply play the quiz by commenting on this post with your answers at any time over the weekend. All comments with answers will be screened until the answer sheet is posted on Monday morning EDT. On Monday, all quizzlings with the correct answers will receive a pretty banner to prove their quiz prowess. Ready? Set? Play!
Match the quotes to the story titles without picking the red herring titles:
25 Dates by averygoodun
The Left Hand of Fate by annietalbot
Run to the Water by lady_rhian
Whom The Gods Annoy by dickgloucester
The Twenty by Leyna Rountree
A Matter of Circumstance by ms_figg
Cupid’s Debt to Dumbledore - or - Thanks To A Venereal Rat With Wings by Betz
In Spirit by ariadne1 WIP
Reward for the Return of a Missing Dog by droxy
De Minimis by shiv5468
No Price He Would Not Pay by Insperashen
To The Honour of the Mother by Dame Niamh
1. She held the glass up and admired the wine's garnet glints, comparing the colour with the bright Mediterranean. And whatever excuses academics had been making for him for the last few centuries, Homer had been colour blind. She snorted and quaffed.
A little later, she stood limned against the sun, its rays gilding her hair and skin as she contemplated the depths of her swimming pool through a pleasant red wine haze. The bottle dangled from one hand, and she cradled her wine glass against her cheek with the other while she contemplated her favourite mosaic through the undulations of several cubits of water. It was no good: even booze, too much sun, and psychedelic distortion couldn't alter the fact that she knew every last tessera better than her own reflection – and Narcissus only knew, she spent long enough looking at that.
She sighed and shrugged off the alcohol haze and the sunburn – pretending to be human always ended up being itchy and headachy. What she needed was a change of scene. She needed something completely different. And she needed a project. Her husband was always saying she needed a project, something that would really use her talents. Her chin firmed and her eyes took on a sparkle that outdid the waves far below. She was Goddess of Love, wasn't she? Well, she'd just have to find someone utterly unpromising who really, really needed some love and make sure he got it – whether he wanted it or not. And that would show some gods that she wasn't just there for decoration.
2. A very tired-looking owl struggled into the tower, collapsing onto the table beside Clotho. Slowing her spinning only slightly, she gently detached the parchment from its leg with one hand before giving it a treat from the drawer.
“Oh, bugger!” Lachesis and Atropos glanced up to see what had occasioned her angry outburst. “Our sisters in wizarding Britain have become distracted again, and some idiot has gone and got himself killed before his time. This time we’ll have to step in.”
“Well,” reasoned Atropos, “if Shivvy would just stop staring at Lucius Malfoy all the time, things wouldn't be such a mess. People living who should be dead. People dying who should be alive. Britain’s tapestry is a right mess, and it's all because of her weakness for pretty blonds. Maybe we should—”
“We are not taking Lucius Malfoy on,” interrupted Lachesis. “You'll be just as bad as Shivvy is, and you know it. She’s constantly making Slog measure him so she can watch whatever he’s doing and whoever he’s doing it with. We'll end up in as much trouble as Tonic, Slog, and Shivvy are in now.”
“Well,” said Clotho, who wanted nothing to do with Lucius Malfoy’s thread, “at the very least, we can threaten to take him away. We’ve got to do something to get everyone’s lives back on course. Otherwise, the mess will just get messier.”
So saying, she pulled a parchment from the drawer and began to craft an ultimatum to her British sisters.
3. ”Eros! Eros, where the Hades are you?” Aphrodite called as she stormed through Olympus, checking all the vacant rooms.
Eros, who had been lying on a duvet, enjoying having his lobes stroked by one ebony-haired naked nymph while being fed peeled grapes by another blonde and naked beauty, sat up quickly.
“You two, go stand by the other statues…quickly!” he hissed at the women, who immediately ran over to a number of naked nymph statues standing against the far wall.
Eros sat up, turned them into ivory statues and shook out his wings, trying to look non-chalant as his mother walked in, her eyes narrowed suspiciously as she looked around the room. Her eyes fell on the bowl of grapes and peeled skins. He’d been up to something all right.
“Hello, mother,” Eros said, flashing her a brilliant smile.
The handsome blonde god’s smile might disarm other females, but this was Aphrodite, his mother. She wasn’t falling for it. Adorned with flowers and gold, the beautiful goddess looked down on her lazy son.
“Don’t you hello me, Eros,” she snapped at him, “What are you doing about the Snape situation?”
Eros frowned slightly.
“What? I got him involved with someone like you asked me to,” he said.
”I told you to make him fall in LOVE with someone, Eros,” Aphrodite replied.
“Mother, Severus Snape is a hard case. Lust was the best I could do,” Eros said, hating to admit that a mere mortal was able to throw off his best arrows.
4. Ms Hermione Granger:
I have received your missives over the last several months, and I have come to the conclusion that your world is experiencing the effects of a disturbance which occurred in my own land sometime ago. I am Hades, God of the Underworld. Approximately a millennia ago another immortal called Hercules stole my pet Cerberus named Fluffy due to some idiotic quest. What Hercules did not realize is that not only had Fluffy been my pet and companion for many years, but he also guarded the gates of my domain helping to maintain the separation of the undead from the living. Without Fluffy's presence, more and more of the restless dead that were confined to the Underworld have been able to escape. The result is the increased un-dead activities you and others are experiencing in the living world. Hercules' act of stealing my Fluffy has created a great unrest in both of our worlds. I fear the only way to re-establish balance would be to locate another Cerberus to act as gate security. As you can imagine, Cerberus are not easy to locate, and Fluffy was more than guard to the gates, he was my friend and companion. I have not had it in my heart to replace him, hoping that someday he may find his way back to hearth, home and me.
Now with the information you have provided, I am convinced that I must move forward and seek a new guard for the gates though no one will ever replace Fluffy in my heart.
Any assistance you and your Ministry can provide will be eternally appreciated.
God of the Underworld
5. Although he didn’t know how he knew, for there was nothing to see nor feel, he sensed he was in motion. Something was pulling him. How long he was in the darkness, he couldn’t fathom. It could have been mere moments or years. Then, his eyes caught a pinprick of light in the distance. It grew in aperture, slowly at first, but then exponentially larger, until all he could see was blinding, white light.
“Severus Snape,” announced a loud, regal, and definitely female voice. He blinked several times, and finally a form began to take shape. Three forms, to be exact. The Maiden, the Matron, and the Crone. When they spoke, he saw all three speak in synchronization but heard only one voice.
“Why do you seek us?”
“I have come to plea for the life of an innocent.”
“None are innocent. You, who are less innocent than most, should know this. We ask again, why do you truly seek us?”
Severus bowed his head and splayed his hands outwards, trying to appear as penitent as possible.
“I come for the life of my beloved.”
Even if he had known to expect what came next, he could not have prepared himself for it. Not even the Dark Lord’s Legilimency had been as brutal as this. Memories from his past were ripped from his head, from the first time he had seen her in his classroom to his first—and last—kiss with her. He cringed at the mental rape but used all his self-control to allow it to happen.
6. Sitting on a ledge high above the entrance to the ride, Cupid spied the latest couple who had drifted into his lair of love.
'Ah, so here's the wizard and witch Albus mentioned,' the cherubic god thought, appraising the dark wizard and young witch. Surveying Severus and Hermione, he could see his work was cut out for him. From his first look, he could see they were meant for one another — Cupid was a god, after all, and omnipotence was a fringe benefit to the position — but after a glance into their minds and souls, he could tell they'd need quite a bit of convincing.
As Cupid looked into Hermione's heart, he could see she already had a penchant for the dark brooding type with large noses, based on the fondness she still held in her heart for a Bulgarian boy she once dated. 'Well, at least we won't have any physical traits to overcome.'
A quick survey of Severus' heart showed he had no clear idea of what he wanted for a mate. There were many things he did not want, namely no one who was too old, too ugly, too dull or witless. Severus did hope for respect, but it seemed that he had given up on ever getting much of that, if ever he should find a witch to his liking.
Seeing as the two humans were sitting on opposite ends of the boat’s seat, Cupid came upon an idea. He would force them into each other's arms, literally.
Flying out from his hidden ledge, he let the reluctant couple see him in his younger, pudgier form, complete with baby fat and dimples. No use in capturing the witch's heart in his true and spellbindingly handsome adult form.
Hermione glanced up and saw the plump little angel floating above her in a sea of darkness, a celestial golden glow surrounding him. Expecting the sickeningly sweet display of hearts and flowers to erupt at any moment, making her ride with the dour Potions master all the more uncomfortable, she was puzzled when the cherubic vision spoke.
7. So that's what it's like to see her. Beautiful. Snape waited outside and could scarcely meet the gaze of the formidable Goddess before him. Hekate the goddess of magic. Wielder of magic, a chthonian goddess— she had the power to execute punishment where she saw fit. The sorceress Medea called for her when casting dark spells. Pansy was afraid of him, he surmised. Death at her door.
Gaia did not stir.
Suddenly the wards shook again and the floor thrummed beneath Snape's knees. Bloody hell. The wards raised again, that was obvious. He knew he was missing a piece of the puzzle. It didn't take much to reverse engineer the solution to his query.
The goddess blew him a kiss and vanished as her job was done. The gold key burned hot in his pocket, an immediate call for his presence. Snape turned to leave, reluctant to shirk his responsibility to dispense discipline to students who probably needed punishing… Hell. Who gives a damn. Damn teenagers.
Snape dashed back toward Dumbledore's chambers taking a shorter back way. There were thankfully a hundred different short cuts in the enormous castle, otherwise the professors would need new knees every three years. Blasted stairs.
He entered through the side but it was already open. Ginny had been waiting, drumming her fingers impatiently on her arm. The other professors were mysteriously quiet.
"Finally Severus, you are here. I trust Mister Malfoy and Miss Parkinson are alright?" Dumbledore inquired.
Snape made a sour face and sat stiffly in the available chair.
8. Min was a god, and gods didn’t need to be tactful. Even so, it would have been better if he had chosen his words more carefully.
*It’s a bit small isn’t it?*
‘I beg your pardon?’ came the very frosty response.
*My new home, if you can call it that* he quickly added.
‘I think it would be better if you were a little more specific.’ There was no appreciable thaw in the tone of voice. The penny dropped; he thought Min meant….
*Your rooms* he said hastily. ‘Your rooms are a bit small. I’m used to temple complexes*
‘And where was your last home?’ Min was relieved that there was at least a hint of defrosting, even though the tone was more sarcastic than he was accustomed to.
*A shelf in someone’s room* he confessed.
‘Ah, the Weasleys, no doubt.’
*They had red hair, if that’s any help.*
‘Just as I suspected. Those two were always up to something when they were at Hogwarts, and they haven’t changed a bit.’
*The mark of Seth was upon them* Min agreed.
‘What do you mean?’
*Red hair was always a sign of evil in Egypt*
The two parties found themselves in total agreement on something for the first time. It didn’t last long.
9. He paused. 'Did you possess Hermione in Glandore Harbour?'
He suddenly felt as though cold water washed over him. 'Is it because you once drowned in Glandore Harbour while waiting for your mortal lover to return?'
Her eyes lit up. 'So you do remember me. It's wonderful to finally meet you, Severus. My sisters found you most enchanting ... once.'
'Tell me, Clíona, what the Queen of Banshees wants with the body of Hermione Granger?' he asked.
'Well, the Queen of the Banshees wants you ... which makes this particular body most desirable, doesn't it? For you want her,' Clíona said, her hand slowly tracing the curve of her body. 'And besides ... oh, but she didn't tell you, did she?'
His hand was at her throat before he knew what was happening. 'Tell me what?'
Clíona grinned up at him like a Cheshire cat. 'Why, she's been hearing the wail of banshees ever since she stepped foot on Irish soil.'
He caught her chin roughly in his hand and wrenched her eyes to his. 'Legilimens.'
He recoiled as his body was thrown across the room and flew into a wall. He crumpled to the floor, heaving.
Clíona cackled. 'This might be a mortal's body, but it is being possessed by an immortal—my thoughts are unreadable to you, and while I am in control, I can mask hers, as well, so don't even think of trying that again.'
10. Ron shook his head to clear the confusion. “Why is she coming here?”
Hermione shrugged then winced as pain seared through her torso. After regaining her breath, she said, “My parents told me that if I went and got myself grieviously injured again they’d sick her on me. I thought they were joking. I guess not.”
“How?” Ginny asked. “How can she still be alive?”
“There are some things polite conversation does not allow, and talking about her immortality is one of them,” said Hermione, grimacing as she remembered a bygone lecture. “She prefers talk about past lovers. And swine.”
Her friends were disrupted from their questions as a striking woman stepped into the ward. She was dressed in loud blue muumuu covered in white and yellow flowers. She looked about her quickly, stopping her search when she saw Hermione.
“Darling child! What have you gotten yourself into this time?” she exclaimed as she rushed over to embrace her granddaughter.
“Hello, grandmum,” Hermione sighed, ignoring her friends who were gawking at the interloper.
“Dearest,” said Circe with a slight rebuke, “haven’t I told you a million times to call me Circe?”